Shielding the Pain
by MuzekWriter
Summary: Bella's shield starts to develops in the middle of New Moon, prior to the reunion with Alice.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't have any ownership of Bella, Edward, Jake or anything Twilight related... I am just borrowing the inspiration of their characters for free fun.

Author's note: Bella's shield will evolve with more characteristics than what we are used to from the fabulous saga.

It had been 2 months since I started hanging out with Jake and I was becoming more accustom to the pain. It never went away, but I was learning how to cope. My motivation for thrill seeking with Jake had many fronts, but they all connected to the same outcome. I wanted Edward. That is all that I wanted. Edward equated to life, but my hazy human mind would not allow myself to properly imagine him unless I was truly focused on trying to stay alive so that I might have a chance to see him again… thus all the thrill seeking. It was one day while Jake and I were out on the bikes that I decided to kick the gears up a few notches just as I turned a corner and Jake was a few seconds behind. I turned to figure out Jakes pace, and didn't see the patch of loose gravel in front of me.

In a matter of seconds things changed considerably for me. I waited. I waited for Edward. He didn't come to my mind. And I kept waiting. Where was he? As I was about the collide with the gravel at 80 mph, I suddenly had a thought of self preservation. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to feel any more pain. I wanted Edward, but the real Edward. Not something that was hidden in my mind. I would take that if that is what I must. But I wanted Edward. Hadn't I suffered enough? At least if I am going to hurt it is going to be for me getting my treat of seeing Edward. I know it might seem like a rather strange carrot and stick agreement, but if the fates weren't going to give me my delusions in this manner, then I was going to have to find another way to go about remembering Edward. Hadn't I proven myself worthy of him yet? Hadn't I endured enough? How do I heal?

My arms started to tingle. The tingling continued up my face and down my torso and legs. I couldn't see anything but the darkness and the faint hints of the dust cloud around me. This was it. I was dead. This time I was sure of it. No one could save me. All I could ask for was no more pain. I just wanted this purgatory to end. I either wanted to live and be free or death. I would welcome death. Juliet had said "In that word's death; no words can that woe sound."

Suddenly I noticed the movement had stopped. I had stopped. I dared to look around and take my first glance of heaven. Heaven was green. Heaven was wet. Heaven was the road I was just on with Jake? Heaven was Jake running towards me? Shouldn't that be Edward? Where is my angel?

I lifted my upper body off the ground and took a better look of my surroundings. This couldn't be heaven. I was still alive. But how? As I started to move I noticed that I didn't hurt. Maybe I was in shock? I sat up in place and looked myself over. My clothes weren't even torn. I dragged my hands down my face and through my hair. There wasn't any blood, bumps, or blemishes of gravel. This was odd.

My bike laid on it's side just feet away from me. As I was looking it over from my position I gauged the stance of the set of legs that stood by it. And then I heard laughter.

"Come on Bella, if you wanted to take a break you could of at least put the kick stand down and kept the bike up right. You aren't going to be able to lift this thing on your own."

I stared at Jake. Normally he was so considerate when I was in an accident. Didn't he just see that almost died?

"Oh, yeah. Well I, um, kind of lost my sense of balance when I got to this point."

" You feeling ok? You kind of look out of it."

"Yeah Jake, I'm fine. Actually I am feeling kind of anxious. Butterflys or something. Maybe we should pack up the bikes for the day and head back in."

"Alright, but you were looking pretty good back there. You looked confident." He took a pause. "It was good to see."

"Thanks, I guess. I think it has something to do with my instructor."

"No seriously, you looked focused. Posed. Prepared, as if something was going to just jump out at you, but you were ready for it."

"Well right now I think I am focused on getting home before I get too cold."

"Alright Bells, let's head back. But I think next time we come out with the bikes, you are going to be ready for another route that is a little more exciting."

Great, that's all I need. I almost died today and he wants to go on a more difficult route. Guess I have been holding him back. I can't do that to him too. I did that to Edward. I can't do that to Jake as well. I have to be able to keep up. I have to be an equal.

I didn't have the heart to distress him about my accident. He surely would have called it quits on the bikes or any of the adrenaline junky things we had been doing if I told him how shaken up I was. I still can't believe that not even a thread or hair of mine was truly out of place. The tingling was a least going away. Now it was just the mental tingling of my mind trying to figure things out. Luck I guess. Maybe the fates were finally taking pity of me. Maybe things are going to start getting better. Where was this coming from?… and then it dawned on me. Hope. Hope is a dangerous thing. It can either be our greatest asset or our greatest enemy.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you to everyone that added this story to their alerts. This is my first attempt at a regular chapter'd story. Once again... I don't have any rights to Twilight other than my own amusement. Thank you SM for creating such great characters.

It was the same dream that I always had. I followed Edward into the forest. We had our conversation. He walks away. I follow. But this time I catch sight of him. This is different I notice. I reach out to him and he stops. His back is turned to me. He is staring at the green forest in front of him.

"Edward, I love you. Please. I'm begging you. Please don't leave." Sobbing now. "Edward, please… you love me I know it. I love you. I know I am only human, but that can be changed. If you don't think I'm good enough to be like you, I will try harder. I promise. Please Edward."

"Bella, stay there."

"NO. I'm not giving up. I will do anything. I have been doing anything it takes just to hear your voice. To see you in my mind. Whatever it takes."

"Bella, you don't understand. There is something wrong…"

"WE AREN'T WRONG EDWARD! We have the love that people dream about, that people crave, and you're throwing it away! Please, talk to me. Stay with me."

"Bella, I can move."

This catches my attention. I am still trying to work through the brush to get to him.

"Bella, I mean it. Stop and just stand there right now."

I do as he says.

"Something is stopping me from moving. I can't see it, but I can feel it."

"I'm coming to you."

"No! it's not safe. Go home Bella. Keep yourself safe."

"Edward I am only safe with you. I would have died that icy morning at school if it weren't for you."

"Bella, I'm serious. I don't know what is going on here, but I can't move. It's like an invisible wall and it has closed in around my arms, but it won't move. Bella, I need help. Get out of here. Call my family. I need them. What are you doing? No…"

I move closer to Edward. I am approaching him, and I can feel a sense of tingling in my finger. I feel the energy of something pulling me close to it.

"I am asking you. Please get out of here."

"Is that because you are worried about me or that you don't want me around you?"

"I don't want you to be in danger. I am in danger, and you are acting all calm. Bella, go."

Hmmm. I wasn't scared. Strange. I should be hyperventilating about what is happening to Edward, and yet I am comfortable.

"Don't worry Edward. You are going to be fine, I don't know why I know this, but you are going to be just fine." My hand makes contact with the wall around Edward. There is a pulsating hum that reaches my ears, and the tingling increases. "No, you can't be trapped too. Call them."

"I don't have my phone. But you have yours don't you?"

"I can't reach it."

"Maybe I can. This wall…It's familiar."

Annoyance, fear, and finally a sense of amusement rushed across his face. "I can't break through this, what makes you think can?"

I am feeling very calm. Very in control of my emotions at this point. Moments ago Edward was leaving. Amazingly I was able to catch sight of him, and suddenly he was caught in this invisible web. Suddenly a thought came to mind.

"Edward can you hear anyone else around?"

"No, there doesn't seem to be anyone else responsible for this. I don't understand this trap, but I want out."

"So you can leave?"

"Bella, it is things like that as to why I have to leave. You need a safer life. You need a life that isn't filled with monsters and sinister walls that can trap my kind."

"Yet this wall doesn't seem to be able to contain me." With that said I reach up and push my hand through the wall. There is hardly any pressure that is being offered against me. I run my hand down the side of his face. Edward gasps.

"How?"

"Ssshhh… trust me." He eyes connect with mine, and there is all the emotion that I always thought was there. Why did I even doubt that he loved me? What a fool I am. That is love, nothing but love. The tingling is starting to turn into a vibrate, but it doesn't hurt. Quite the opposite I am empowered by it. I am sure of my movements. My hand suddenly has a grace to it that I have never even noticed before. "Where is your phone?" Just then it rings and my eyes connect with Edwards just one last minute before I am pulled out of my dream.

I'm now waking….

My eyes are trying to focus on my new surroundings, my bedroom ceiling, but there is still a vibrating, just instead of a feeling, it is a sound now. My phone.

That phone just took me away from my angel. Anger filled me. Fear. Loss. My despair was back, and that phone was to blame. I had him. I had his face in my hand.

My eyes zeroed in on that phone, and then something unforeseen happened. The phone moved on its own from the other side of my side table into my hand. Whoa.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews and all the story alerts. Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up. I hate the use the excuse the life got crazy, but it did. I will try to be a little more diligent in completing the next chapter soon. Thanks again.

Did that just happen? I didn't have too much time to think about it, the phone was still vibrating and ringing in my hand.

Unavailable. The Screen ID read. Still in shock I cautiously press talk. "Hello" I hear nothing. I hear a grinding noise and then the line goes dead. Huh? That was weird. And then I have a sudden thought. Was that Edward? Or Alice? Or anyone of the Cullens? Were they checking up on me? They still care. Oh my God! But then I hear those fated words… "It will be as if I never existed."

"God Bella, you are so stupid!" I think to myself. "If he had the self control not to kill me, though his very nature wanted my blood more than anything else, he certainly has the self control to not call."

My mind then shifts to the phone itself. Did it really just fly into my hand? Of course, not. I'm imagining things. I think I might finally be losing it. I need to just calm down. Charlie would have a fit, and probably order a straight jacket for me right away if I to think that I summoned my phone to me. No, only my beautiful angels could do something like that. Humans don't have abilities like that. That's all I am, human.

I toss to my side in bed, and put my phone back on the night stand. The clock read 5:47. Ughh. I'm might as well get up and get ready for school. I think I am going to take advantage of being the first one up and take a long shower.

As the heated water pounds against my clammy skin, I take a couple deep breathes and rest my hands on the porcelain tile. Immediately I gasp as I am transported back to the memory of my dream, as my hand moved down his beautiful face. Not even Michelangelo himself could have created such a perfect marble face. He didn't move. I imagine his eye closing and cheek turning into my touch. He is unable to leave. At first I am ecstatic about Edward not being in full control. But just as quickly, I am saddened. No. That is not how I want us to be. I want to be his equal. I don't want him to control me, and make all our decisions. But I don't want to be making them for us as well.

I catch myself again… "Us". There wasn't an "us". There was just me and him. A "him" that was to be as if he never existed. A shudder runs through me, despite the scolding water. I taste salt, and I wish I could say that was the remains of my shampoo. I should get out. The contrast of the cool tile and hot water was even too much of a reminder for me.

I walk back into my room and check the time on my phone. 6:23… Charlie is going to be getting up soon. I decide to hurry up getting ready, planning to leave as soon I hear him in the shower. I don't want to have to explain why I was up so early. "I had a dream that an invisible wall caught Edward, and he wasn't able to move or leave me; so none of these last couple of months would have ever happened." Yeah… leaving early sounded like a good plan.

School didn't start until 8:00. What was I going to do that whole time? It wasn't raining. The morning hues of the sun were escaping from behind the thick clouds of the past couple of weeks. It was actually kind of a nice day for it being in winter in Forks. I decided to go to the beach south of town. I grabbed my pop tart and a coke and took them with me to enjoy by the ocean. There was a path that was less than a couple hundred yards long that would take me directly to the coast line.

Once I got there to the coast, I have to admit, even in my state of mind, it was refreshing. The early morning fog was floating into the horizon, the mist from the high tide clung to the miles of driftwood hugging the border of forest to sand, and still dry sand waltzed up to the line of foam from the sea. As I descend the eroded cliff on to the beach I walked for a little while, focusing on the sand. The wind is creating surface currents of sand, making the carefree air visible, as the grains of the beach are taken for a ride. It is so easy to get caught up in my own problems when this pain persists in my chest. But watching the weighted sand, that is nothing but small rocks, which were once created by boulders, which were once parts of mountains, I wonder whether the heaviness of the pain that I feel will ever be so weightless that I can dance amongst it too? Much like the sand, I don't anticipate that it will ever go anywhere, but maybe, just maybe it can be re-appropriated too with time? Of course it has taken hundreds of thousands of years for the sand to become what it is, and time is not on my side, at least while I am human.

I take a seat on the sand in an area that looks relatively safe from the incoming surf. I pull out my pop tart and take a bite. A gust of sand pushes against me, and my once appetizing breakfast looks more like a lint roller after leaving the beach. I toss the remaining treat to the nearby birds with a flick of my wrist. It is then that I notice the glistening of my crescent scar that will always be a silver'ish tone, which will always be a few degrees cooler than the rest of my skin, which will always be a part of me. A small giggle escapes my lips. "It will be as if I never existed." Nice try, Edward Cullen. You can take my family, you can take my pictures and presents, and you can take yourself away… but I will always have this scar, and I will always know the real reason as to why I have it. I say all this while tracing the outline of it, causing it to tingle. A shiver runs through me, and then ceases. The wind starts to die down a bit, and I enter my own little world as I watch the beach continue to wake for the day.

My eyes rise from the sea foam riding in on the lips of the waves and wonder onto the horizon. Somewhere across that ocean, possibly almost all the way back to me Edward and his family are enjoying their distractions. I wonder if I could ever find them, if I went searching. That obviously didn't work out too well for me in the woods, when Edward left… It kind of reminds me of what the search and rescue people suggest. "Just stay in one place and wait for help." At least that is what they say to children; people that are unable to take care of themselves; people who still have hope that they will be found. That isn't this case here; it is more like I am the animal that has been the beloved pet to the family for years that suddenly gets left behind. They might have a couple hundred years on me, but I am not a child. This resolve wakes something up in me. Another chill runs through my body, starting from my wrist, with my cooler than normal skin.

The sand is still dancing; however it has changed its path. I look back up to the sky and everything still looks the same. No storm clouds or streaming sun. The wind is changing though… yet I only know this because I see it swirling around me, but not touching me. I notice that my clothes aren't being rumpled or bended by the breeze. My hair is still. Odd. Turning from side to side I notice a perimeter of sand is circling me and it is growing taller. Alarmed I stand, and the wall of sand rises with me, pulling more sand from the beach floor. This is crazy. I am not crazy. I am hurt. I am alone. But I am not crazy.

Suddenly I am reminded of my dream. Edward trapped by invisible walls. Unable to leave. Scared. I wasn't scared though, because I could reach through the wall to touch my love. I extend my hand and with the gentlest caress all the sand falls to the sandy floor revealing the tide climbing to the eroded sandy cliff, while I am safe and dry in this alcove of wind and sand.

My mind is reeling… ok… maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am just thinking this until I feel the tingling that is so concentrated that I can feel the burn of a thousand heated pins. My scar. My scar is on fire. I know that feeling is real. My mind isn't playing tricks on me. Somehow, my mind instead is revealing something to me. I need to get out of here. I need to talk to someone. But who? All the people that I would normally talk to about this are gone. I'm starting to panic and with that panic, the invisible wall of air falls. The cold ocean water that is now hitting my legs reminds me to move. To get back to my truck. To get out of here. The cold wetness of ocean once again wraps itself around me, and another conversation is replayed in my mind. "I don't like any cold wet thing." "Then why did you move to Forks, one of the wettest places in the US?" The ocean is no longer so threatening, and I am starting to feel warmth once again. The burn is back, but so is the wall of wind. A path is cleared for me, and I take the chance to walk back to the current shore. The wall of air follows me, and once I get to shore the wind dissipates back to the patterns of before.

I need to figure this out. I need to get to school. I can figure it out there, but I can't have Charlie worrying about me. I can start with the research I had done when I first moved here. Maybe amongst all those stories of the cold ones, and other vampire legends I can find some answers. Cold Ones. Jacob. Maybe I can get Jacob to tell me some more stories? Maybe there is something in there I can use. As soon as I get home from school, I'm finding Jake.


End file.
